Forgive Me
by Dark Roswellian Angel
Summary: During an argument, Alec makes a life-altering realization. What is it and who does he share it with?


Title: Forgive Me

Author: Dark Roswellian Angel

Elizabeth McDowell

Disclaimer: Nope, nada, nothin'

Copying/Downloading/Posting: Please let me know first, and let me know where my work will be posted as I would love to come visit it. Make sure that it is put under my name, as I would love to hear how others feel about it. Thanks ;)

Rating: K+, just in case

Synopsis: During an argument, Alec makes a life-altering realization. What is it and who does he share it with?

A/N: Just a bunch of random thoughts that hopefully somehow miraculously manage to come together to make a fic that makes some sense.

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"Dammit, Max!" Alec cried out as he held the back of his head, the pain evidence of her latest damage. "That really hurt," as usual he tried to play off the effect her crankiness had by putting his hand to his heart and pushing a smirk onto his lips. There was no way in Jam Pony hell that he wanted her knowing how much their interactions affected him.

"Whatever. Get over it. And while you're at it, maybe you could try remembering that the next time you consider trying to knock over one of Logan's informants, I'm going to find out about it, and I'm going to take it out on your –ss. Ya' got that, Alec?" Max said angrily. Without another word, she turned and began to stalk away from him.

As he watched her walk away from him, he couldn't keep the pain out of his voice. "Aren't you ever going to forgive me, Maxie?" he mumbled. _Why do I stay here? It's a lost cause._

His voice was so low that she wasn't sure she'd heard him accurately. She turned back towards him, "What?" Usually she would have rounded on him and told him off- keeping their banter up and enjoying it, knowing that he was enjoying it just as much as she did- after all, it's their thing. Only, this time there was something in his voice that caught her off guard.

He hadn't meant to speak loud enough for her to hear him, but since she had, he wasn't going to back down. Maybe it had been too long. Maybe this was overdue. He looked up and met her eyes, "I asked if you are ever going to forgive me." He just wished his voice were stronger.

Max's eyes narrowed, picking up on something in his stance and mistaking it for sarcasm, and her lips protruded into something resembling a snarl, "For what? For the virus? For putting Joshua in danger because you're too lazy to do your own work? For trying to kill me? For getting paint all over my research papers? For hound dogging every female within a 50 mile radius? For screwing up and costing me my one chance to be with Logan?"

He tried to fake a smirk, to put on his soldier's mask, to hide the emotions behind his eyes, but he wasn't sure how successful he was. "For all of that. And more. For making you think of things you'd prefer not to. For making you see your brother day after day. For making you feel things that you want to pretend you don't. And, most of all, for mattering." As he said it, he could feel its truth.

"Mattering to who?" she tried to put as much snide sarcasm into her voice as she could as she forced a cruel look of derision to surface, trying to infer that he couldn't possibly matter to anyone- least of all her, but even to her her voice sounded more inquisitive than condescending. Her own tone made her wonder if maybe he had picked up on something she hadn't. Was it possible that he mattered to her? How could that have happened?

"To you Maxie. I matter to you- that's why you couldn't let me die. That's why you can't push me away. That's why you pull me into your life to help out with your Eyes Only missions," he could see her preparing to disagree and cut her off, "Yeah. I get it. It's easier for you to do your work for Logan when you have someone watching your back, but Maxie, you have an entire freak nation that could watch your back- why do you always choose me?"

"That doesn't mean anything. I've just worked jobs with you before, so I know how you're going to operate, and how you're going to screw up, and how to fix whatever you mess up," she purposefully ignored how flawed her reasoning sounded. He had stopped being the screw-up, fresh-out-of-Manticore-and-confused-by-the-freedom Alec a long time ago. And if she were going to be honest with herself, she knew that she wanted him covering her back because he was the only one she trusted.

"Uh-huh," his smirk became more pronounced as he recognized her half-ssed explanation for what it was, "Well, be that as it may, it doesn't exactly explain why you are down on every girl I look at more than once." He might be wrong, but he knew he might never get another chance to push this. And he knew what it was like to miss an opportunity- he wasn't going to lose another one with her if he could help it. And if he was right- man, any amount of ridicule or vulnerability or –sskicking would be worth that chance.

"Pssshh. Whatever," Max could feel her eyes narrowing and her neck bouncing, "The only reason I have a problem with your bimbos is that they're too stupid to know that you are incapable of stopping your tomcatting. There isn't a single girl out there who wouldn't be just another notch on your bedpost- no way you're about to settle down with one of u- them." She quickly looked down the street, pretending interest in two guys arguing outside a grocery store. If she was lucky, he'd believe that the distraction was why she'd almost said something that she hadn't meant. Because there was simply no way that she could have ever imagined the two of them together- what his hand in her hair would feel like, how firm his chest would feel under her, how his lips would make hers tingle, the way his voice could affect every cell in her body, why she could feel herself drowning in the most pleasant way when he looked at her just the right way, the thrill that would shoot down her spine when he said he loved her, or what it would be like to wake up in his strong arms and know he'd be there for every morning to come. Just like there was no way that the idea that she could only ever amount to another notch for him could tear her heart apart- no matter what the dysfunctional thing tried to whisper to her.

Alec's smile became a little more natural at her near slip. He felt his posture relax as he sat back against his bike. For a second he looked around their hidden alley, hoping that her near faux-pas was getting to her, then he scratched his head in a patented Alec move and looked back at her, almost true amusement shining in his eyes, "You know, that isn't exactly true."

Max's own self-doubt quieted as she realized who he must be talking about. She almost looked apologetic as she asked quietly, "Oh. You mean-"

"No," the certainty in his voice surprised him, "I don't mean her." He couldn't even believe it when his feelings poured out, but he couldn't seem to stop himself. "I cared about her, and she was really special, and if we'd met under different circumstances…" he shrugged, "who knows? But given the givens, I don't think it would have lasted much past the whole puppy love stage. She didn't have the fire to keep me interested, or the loyalty to make me trust her or make me loyal to her, or the strength of character to make me respect her like that. She was beautiful," he didn't miss Max's swallow, "but I need someone whose inner beauty outshines their outer beauty like the sun coming out from behind a cloud. And even though she cared about me, she didn't really need me. I want someone who needs me, even if it's just her needing me to have her back. And I need someone who can match me- wit for wit, muscle for muscle, speed for speed. Someone who is capable of understanding me and what I've been through because she's been through some of it, too. Only I wouldn't want her to have gone through everything I have because I want her to still be able to look at the world and think that it can be changed for the better. I want her to have hope, even if it is just a con job that people trip behind, to believe that there are people out there who want to help others and will do what they can even if it costs them."

Max had to look away from his penetrating eyes. After a second she was able to collect herself and look back, though when she met his eyes again, she took another large swallow, "Wow. No wonder you jump from bed to bed," she wondered if the bitterness in her voice was as obvious to him as it was to her, "Sounds like you're waiting for some kind of Wonderwoman."

He looked at her and waited until she met his eyes. "Yeah, I guess I am. I'm waiting for her to open her eyes and realize that we don't belong with Ordinaries, that they'll never understand us and that's a good thing because we live in a world that they can't. We understand each other, and we're there for each other in ways that they'll never get."

"That's not true. We're all people. We're all the same. And we can make each other understand," her mantra came out unbidden.

Alec shook his head in mock sympathy, "Nck, nck, nck, Maxie, I keep telling you- we weren't designed to be chumps. You're going to honestly tell me that you could explain what it feels like to jump a fifteen-foot razor fence or run a mile in under a minute or hold your breath for over a kilometer or even knock out a guy three times your size in one punch to an Ordinary? To Logan? You really think Roller Boy could ever understand that?"

"It doesn't matter. At least he tries."

"But at some point, halfhearted, failed attempts aren't going to be enough anymore. At some point, you're going to want someone who accepts you, all of you, for what and who you are and appreciates you. At some point, you're going to want someone you can really connect with- on all levels."

She refused to commit to more than a shrug of her slender shoulders. Maybe he was right. Maybe she and Logan weren't meant to be together. After all, even now he thought that she was "with" someone else and he wasn't exactly breaking down her door to win her back. Maybe they weren't right for each other after all, and maybe they wanted to be together more now that they couldn't than back when they could've.

_So what?_ It wasn't exactly like there was a line of men breaking down her door and trying to convince her to choose them. Granted, that was probably because most of the transgenics in TC thought she was with Alec, and they all had good reason to avoid getting him mad at them. It hadn't happened often, but she had seen what he could do when he was upset, and it had convinced her that he'd been holding back whenever they'd gotten into it. In fact, as she thought about it, she remembered one particular X series who had been reluctant to take her no for an answer- Alec had shown him the error of his ways without even breaking a sweat. But as long as nobody else wanted to be with her, why shouldn't she tell herself and anyone else who knew the truth about her and Alec that she was holding onto Logan? Somehow, that was a lot less scary than admitting that she didn't have anyone. Besides, she kept telling herself, she didn't have time to look for her soulmate- she had a family to fend for. "Logan's a good man, and he cares about me. Maybe we didn't act on things back before the virus, but that doesn't mean that we didn't want to, and it sure as hell doesn't mean that we won't be together once we find the cure. He's the most important thing in my life."

Alec's eyes had widened as she started, then narrowed, and then relaxed as she'd finished. She looked to him to see only the soldier's blank expression looking back at her. She preferred it when he didn't hide his feelings from her like that. Even when he was pissed off at her, it was better than getting nothing from him. She was tempted to say something to get a rise out of him when he stopped her.

"I guess that's my biggest sin, isn't it."

Max's face contorted into a mixture of confusion and dislike, "What?"

"That those few times that you're honest with yourself, because heaven knows you're never open to the rest of us, it's worse than me just mattering to you. That's when you have to admit that I'm more important."

Max's face became stoic. It was as though his words were finally penetrating the barriers that she'd built around her feelings for him. He was right- he did matter to her. But… it was so much more than that. _There's no freakin' way. _She could feel her heartbeat speed up and her breathing was coming harder. _He's right. Oh crap. How the hell did this happen? I can't be-_ to keep herself from thinking further, "More important than what?"

Alec's eyes had been watching her, boring into her as though he could read her thoughts, sense her confusion and rising panic. Things were finally beginning to make sense, and even though he'd always thought this whole concept would scare the crap out of him, now that he was faced with it, now that he knew what it was, now that he knew it was his Maxie, all he could feel was excitement. And lucky because it was her. And hope for what it could mean. And maybe a little worry about how to explain it to her and what her reaction would be. But whatever it was, he knew that eventually she'd get used to it. His face began to warm and his eyes sparkled as though he were laughing at a private joke. "More important than Logan, Maxie."

Max's panic rose even higher at his words. But the self-assurance in his tone scared her even more. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"From the moment I walked into your cell, I've felt you. I thought it was just that I could smell you, you know how everybody has a scent that is just theirs, but somehow it went further with you. I could feel where you were and what you were doing. Sometimes I could even sense what you were feeling. But I was never able to make sense of all that until right now."

"Talk sense, Pretty Boy. Or I'm leavin' 'cause I don't have time to listen to you babble about yourself and how all-knowing you think you are."

"You felt it, too. That's why you reacted the way you did- because you didn't know what it was anymore than I did and you didn't know how to deal with it. But that's why you held onto Logan so hard- because you were scared of what you were feeling. That's why when we met up again and helped the rugrats, you had to take time off from him- because it didn't feel right to be with him anymore. That's why when it came down to it, you couldn't kill me anymore than I could have ever killed you. Even though it meant that you were choosing to save my life at the expense of Logan's."

Max's eyes became large- this was too much. "I don't know what the hell you're talking about. I chose to save your life because you only had a few seconds left and because I knew that Logan and I could find a cure later. If it hadn't been such split-second timing, I would have still gone for the cure and helped you out later. But there is no way in hell that your life was more important than his." She could be wrong, but she could have sworn she saw pain flicker through his expressive orbs before he cleared them.

For just a moment, her words stung. But then, just as suddenly as he had realized his feelings for her, he realized why she always fought him, why she tried to distance herself from him by hurting him, why she kept running from herself and the truth. "Sorry to disappoint you, Maxie. But that reasoning doesn't quite hold up. You might be able to trick your Ordinary into believing it, but I know you too well. I know the training that you've received too well. I know what you're capable of. And we both know that the second you gave up that cure, you were giving him up. Your mind is fast enough to realize that you wouldn't be able to find another scientist who would be able to help you, at least not until after you had touched him again and then it would be too late. You knew that I would die right then or Logan would die sometime down the road, and you knew it was an exclusive choice. You had to choose one of us, and you chose me. And I'm sorry that it hurts you. And I'm sorry that you feel guilty because you don't love him the way he loves you or the way you used to. And I'm sorry that I've let you down. But Max…" he looked into her eyes as though he could see her soul. His expressive orbs somehow managed to show sorrow and guilt and pity and joy and some other emotion she couldn't quite identify all at once, "I'm not sorry that you love me. And I will never, ever be sorry that I will always love you."

Max's mouth dropped open and awkward strangling noises seemed to erupt from her. Her skin turned from tan to pale to red and back to tan. But she seemed otherwise incapable of replying.

Alec looked at her for a moment, a combination of hurt and smugness showing through his smirk. "You still don't know do you." It was a statement not a question. "You still don't know your own feelings. Let me help you." And without any further warning, he marched to her side, draped one hand around her waist and took her face in his other hand. Slowly, so very, very slowly, giving her plenty of time to protest, he lowered his face to hers. He could feel her jump when their lips finally met. He was careful not to push it, waiting for her to initiate anything further.

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So, what do you think? Is this complete enough or should I continue? I haven't quite decided either way. Let me know what you think- you know how.


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